Duh Vinci Code

I'm all out of BSG, so I'm back to watching regular movies with the odd British TV DVD thrown in. One of the films on the Netflix que was DaVinci Code. I watched it, and well... I'll review two movies.
Let's pretend I don't know a thing about Christianity, never heard of it. With that it had good cinematography, lovely locations, and action. However the heavy dependence on puzzles started to annoy me. Also I'm not a big fan of conspiracy theories. Working at the JFK Prez library led me to believe that there are too many kooks out there with conspiracy theories. Unfortunately, suspense of belief only goes so far with me. What only 1 guard in the Louvre? Offices in the museum part? Of the museums where I've worked the admin stays as far away from the tourists as possible. No security cameras around to catch the killer? Seriously, Law & Order: Paris would have had the murder of the curator wrapped up in 20 minutes.
Second review, as a Christian. Good lord, where do I start? When you bother to remember the Eastern Orthodox Church, the history given is garbage. Then again most of the history is garbage. Second, Mary M. goes to France/Gaul. Why? Why not settle in Rome? Or Egypt? Why the F Gaul? Third, JC, who was he because if not part of the trinity, who cares? Scenario A: JC not son of G-d, but a prophet with mystical powers. Wouldn't that be Islam's take on JC? So it wouldn't matter if he had kids. Mo hammed had wives and kids, so same diff. Scenario B: JC, son of G-d, father of some French peoples. Irresponsible cad. Let us remember he did bother to take time out from suffering and dying (Can't remember where in NT this is):
JC: Hey, you there, apostle.
Apostle: Who me?
JC: Yes, you. Old boy (imagine this all with ox-bridge accents), I'm in a bit of a pickle. I'm going to be leaving, but I will return at some point, but in the meanwhile I'm going to need someone to look after my dear ole mum. Could you swing that for me?
Apostle: Um, sure.
JC: Mummy.
Holy Mother Mary: Yes, dear?
JC: That dear fellow over there is your new son. Apostle chap, this lovely woman is your new mum. Mummy, apostle, apostle, mummy. Now I'm going to get back to suffering for the world's sins while you two get acquainted.
So, if regular JC took care of his mother, why not his "wife". And if anyone's womb is all that and a bag of chips, it would be that of the holy mother.